Often & Much

I think, sometimes, about the many mistakes I have made in the past. The past, like yesterday (or Sunday, specifically). I think, “how quickly will karma come?” I think about how quickly it has come before, when I’ve done things that were on the thin of falling off the moral compass. Often, I believe it’s why I spend so much time alone, or why I have been alone so much.

Other times, I think it’s my fierce affection for others who have enraptured me.  It is not just love affairs that have blinded me. Other people mistake my strength as a challenge to see my weakness and exploit it. Or as an opportunity to take advantage – maybe it’s all exploitation and manipulation.  I know it all feels yucky and confusing and empty.  Sometimes, I try to assign meaning or rationalize or correlate these disgusting mean meanies to bad things I have done, but the truth is: mean people are mean. They like being mean. They need no reason.

This city has been a vicious cycle of false friends and opportunists or judgmental folks who can’t understand that not all free-spirits have wind in their hair and bare feet.  I’m opinionated, not rigid. I’m professional, not conservative. I’m vocal, not judgmental.  Except with judgmental people, I tend to want to give them a taste of their own behavior – an incredibly pointless exercise which I somehow cannot stop.  I am strong because I was built that way, but my strength is independence, scurrying down tiny trails because a feeling led me there, not because the path was well-worn. I still follow a heart-string to the edge of the Universe, which is why I don’t think of myself as a natural leader; not everyone is meant to live on the edge of the Universe…don’t follow me unless you’re sure. Very few people have been sure, which circles back to why I am mostly alone.

So, I did a bad thing, and then immediately, something bad happened to me. Now I’m empty again, not just alone, but actually empty. It’s that rumble in the belly when you’re so hungry, it is no longer a pain, but a hollow… the faintest echo hollering back.  For now, I think what is needed is for me to feel the emptiness instead of fill it (see “vicious cycle of false friends”).

Maybe the echo has something to say.

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Random Elevens

1. Godric the Kitten has successfully learned how to high-five about 85% of the time.  If he wants to. When there is a treat. And he’s interested in the treat at that exact moment in time.

2. I’m currently obsessed with HBO’s “Big Little Lies.”  I agree that Reese Witherspoon has reprised a non-satirical version of her character from “Election.” I now want to live in Monterey.

3. Speaking of HBO, the last season of “Girls” has literally made me LOL.

4. Love is weird.  And so is the weather.

5. I have bangs again, but long, so hopefully, no endless complaining.

6. I have extreme anxiety about time.  I find myself constantly afraid I may be “wasting time” so I over-plan and actually get nothing accomplished.  I’m not as efficient as I used to be. I’m not sure how to get my mojo back. It isn’t just a random thought, I guess, since I’m obsessed with clock-watching.

7. I have acquired a love-hate (mostly hate) relationship with hot (not bikram) yoga.  It does make my non-heated practice easier.

8. I tried to join a meal delivery diet program.  It was actually too much food, so I quit.  Then today made five pounds of baked tortellini. SIGH.

9. Not sure if I want to see the live action “Beauty and the Beast.”  Belle was my first nerdy heroine.  She loved books. What if Hermione ruins it?

10. I’m trying with incredible difficulty to declutter. It just makes my brain hurt.

11. I could listen to Tailor’s “Shaped Like a Gun” on repeat for an hour.  But at 61 minutes, it would be too much.